Rebirth

After a 2-year long hiatus, partly deliberate, partly natural, i've come to realize something that's as elusive as it is obvious; Patience and Time are both secret ingredients to life's distasteful culinary servings.

I remember a time when i was in complete bliss, full of content and ever-lasting lust for life, too engrossed in my bliss to think about what consequences may present themselves should this bliss become interrupted.

And it did...

I remember a time when i was completely broken, others when i was completely in control. An everlasting conflict between need and have. Nowadays, it's a blend of both, wrapped in a consciousness that is mindful of a new future, and me within it, determined to succeed, despite the many problems and issues.

And i am...

At times I thought that my life was a dark hole, while at others i thought of it as not being so at all, but rather a dark cave, and i'm walking through it towards a slight glimmer of light that's supposedly at the end, aided by some tools to light my path, like logic, common sense, and a lot of patience!

A lot of patience....that's the key.

A tornado may pass, destroying everything in it's way, uprooting every seed you've planted, nurtured and watered with your sweat and tears. Once it's gone, what remains is the earth, and your determination to start seeding it all over again. Eventually, that seed will grow into an Oak tree, and though it's leaves may be torn off and blown away with all the tornado's might and anger, it's branches will remain standing, it's roots will remain firmly grown into the ground, and spring will always come back.

Such is Life....

It's not a dark hole, nor a dark cave, remove all it's superficiality, all it's pains and anguish, all it's nonsense and all it's extra weight, and you'll realize that Life is simply a long journey through an ocean of storms, on a boat of perseverance, filled and accumulated along with way with achievement and betterments, with patience for guidance and logic for a compass. At the end of the journey, where the shores of rest awaits, peace can be found, solitude in the fact that i would have completed my journey with success, and that it will make me better and stronger.

On occasion, thus far into my journey, i find myself reflecting back to my previous musings of anguish and disgust at what choices i made for myself. The feelings are still there, the emotions are still there. "You see", memories tell me, "The sacrifice was too great, so the loss was too much". True. and the guilt is still there.

It's all there....

There was a time, once, where i was whole, complete and content. I tore myself apart from my other self for the sake of others. For i had known bliss in it's spiritual sense, and at times, i took it for granted in utter waste. It was only when i tore myself apart from it-with my own hands-had i realized just how blissful my state of mind was. I sometimes uttered it's name, making sure that i alone would hear it, just so i can remind myself that i lived those days, being so far away behind me. Once i hear it's name, the flood of memories overwhelm me with their pain.

All of them...

Like an addict in withdrawal, i still yearn for those blissful days to this very second. I do miss, i do yearn, i do hate, i still compare, i still replace the lost with the remnants-none of them half as satisfying, not even close! Yet, i still remember and deep inside i'm still sad. Yet i still smile when i remember, i still hurt when i think, i still compare, i still wish, i still hope.

But now i'm on my way to new lands, secured with my newfound perseverance and my rising tolerance and patience, mindful of the fruits of my efforts and the gifts of life. The tornadoes still frequent my boat, superficiality still reigns free, senselessness and illogic can still be found, occupational hazards still regroup and threaten my livelihood, but i've grown slightly more accustomed to it all, and as a result, more prone to stay on my path. I still hurt, but i suppose, until the storm settles, this is how i get better....

Yet, i still wonder....i still do!

Renewal

It's a new year, but with the same issues and dilemmas. I remain unable to reach into the depths and extract clarity, no matter how much the sincerity. Optimism and hope have all but run out, and what remains is the shadow of my former self.

With increased responsibilities, life is becoming less of a joy and more of a burden. Many times have I contemplated escape, how it would be to run away into the crowd of humanity on this earth, only to be heard of in memory, and even then, in shameful silence. It would be a shame that I would bring onto my self and that of my own had I embarked on such a foolish journey. But as always, I decline to pursue the endeavor, fearing their well-being. Always them, never me.

No, that aspect of my life has been removed completely, to the point where I am thankful to have a few hours of the day to myself, and search for them with every chance I get. Often, I spend them privately wit myself, enjoying the feeling of freedom while it lasted, dreading it's end, sometimes hoping it would never end, but it always does.

With the advent of a new year, and a new weight on my shoulders, I have detached myself from myself in order to remain sane and competent in my new life. It's not so much a defeat as it is a confirmation of defeat; The eventual acceptance of fate, and of it's consequences.

It was dawn when I remembered my blog, I smiled quietly on my way to work, thinking of the comments that were posted for my behalf, when it struck me flat: Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am! This sudden realization led me to consider the implications: It made me feel better, knowing that there are people out there that understand what I go through, it made me feel more sane than ever before.

However, while the truth does set you free, freedom never comes without a price. So, as usual, I decline to reveal the truth to those that deserve it, hoping, instead for maturity and age to bring about the understanding and acceptance.

I still dream of what would have been, had I not climbed this boat....the sweetness of it all, the tenderness of the moments, the joy of shared dreams and hopes, the magic moments of solitude among the wilderness of life. Memories come flooding back to my mind with a rush that's so powerful it forces me sometimes to get up at 4am and yearn for a quiet kiss of the nicotine stick, musing at the irony of it all:

Dreaming for one life while slowly destroying the seemingly pleasant one on hand......ironic, sad..but true....

Calm

I don't hate my better half, I hate the fact that she was brough up in a society that is as superficial and egotistic and materialistic as ours is! The result is the price I'm paying just to have a quiet life, and it is very high, very demanding and very emotionally stressful.

I've had some time to think about the situation I'm in, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm either an outcast or mentally unstable...

Living in a society as ours, we tend to conform to certain norms, values & habits that we are 'expected' to follow, and by not following them, we 'rock the boat' and run into lots of colorful and disgusting turns of events. Example? Just try to complete a transactions in the Traffic Dept. with a baseball cap, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans! The creatures there 'expect' a Kuwaiti to look like one, head-dress, dishdasha and all. They are treated differently from the rest of the people, because they 'look' Kuwaiti.

Take social functions: Society 'expects' one to marry into a family of the same bloodline, deviating from this path would bring shame, and those that do become semi-shunned in this society.

Moreover, society 'expects' a couple to be happily married and raise kids, even after an arranged marriage, not realising that these kids are now 'people', with minds and opinions of their own.

Furthermore, some Kuwaiti women now have a 'plan' for the first few years of marriage, and it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with the future of their marriage or their happiness with their husbands!

Let me illustrate: 1)Get married with a big bang, 2)go on an expensive honeymoon, 3)get a maid, 4)throw a reception, 5)get pregnant, 6)give birth in a 5-star private hospital, 7)throw a reception, 8)travel after you give birth for a change of scenery. And if just ONE of these tasks is not delivered, the husband is not a provider, and does not love nor respect his wife!

I thought of this plan for some time, and found it quite honestly, a waste of time. But i've come to realize that 'everybody' is doing it, and the immensity of each plan just gets larger and larger. Everyone wants to be better, more creative, more lucrative, more popular, more and more and more superficial!

Everyone's doing it, and the men, the husbands, are actually conforming to this school of thought, just to please their wives! Sure, they complain about it amongst themselves, or just keep quiet when someone else is describing the same plan, but that's about it. Benign resignation to the fact that our society has become a beacon of the superficial & material world.

I'm not saying that all these things actually happened to me, but It boggles the mind, my mind at least, to think what it would take to be 'happy' for a Kuwaiti wife these days, and what sort of expectations the wife enforces on her husband. All because 'everyone esle is doing it'!?

What's wrong with us?

What happened to the man being a 'provider' as opposed to a 'conformer'? What happened with the 'accomodating wife' as opposed to the 'self-centered' wife? What happened to having a tasty burger on the beach at night, as opposed to a very visible dinner table at a 5-star restaurant? What happened to 'wear anything that makes you feel comfortable' as opposed to 'looking good all the time"?

Is it me, or has everyone gone stir-crazy with materialism? And when you think it's finally over, and that the wife has matured past this point, a younger woman comes along and throws even more silliness into the norm. And it goes on and on, so that by the time you're a parent yourself, you'll have to contend with 20+ years of continuous refinement to the process of 'more bling'!!

The sad part of this is, i foresaw all this, and i threw myself into it with my eyes closed. Am I insane to think like this? Am I uncool because I think candy shouldn't be placed in washrooms? Am I cheap to think baby souvenirs shouldn't be as extravagant as KD10 apiece and filled with designer chocolate? Am i a cheapskate to think that a burger tastes far better than a plate of pasta at Lenotre, where I can actually count the pieces of the pasta i've been served with and get the number right ALL THE TIME? While that may be true for some, deep down inside, I believe (i'd like to believe) that people have some common sense within them, but it's surpressed ever so violently due to the lost souls who have an inferiority complex as large as the Earth they dwell upon.

I threw myself in this situation, and I'm dealing with it with every waking minute. Had I the means to turn back time....Wishful thinking....if only I did have the means!

Doubts

I'm beginning to question my logic, as opposed to the rest of my surroundings. For some time now, I've been made to think that what I did & thought was right, only to find that it was a one-sided view, so I decided to change in order to accomodate the views of the other part of my life. Since then, though, I've been compromising further than usual, in the hopes that common ground and-eventually-peace would take over. It had, for some time, all things considered, and it was quiet for a longer period than ever; for the first time, there hadn't been a serious argument over the usual trivia for more than 4 weeks...for the first time ever!

But when a lack of understanding leads to an argument, and eventually words are used that do nothing but to inflame the situation, time and time and time again, I begin to question just how far my compromise should actually go. Especially when walls of ego and self-centerism are raised above mutual understanding.

Complex as this situation may be, it is not unique. In fact, it's so common that at one time I actually asked God NOT to put me in this situation, even before the decision to end my good life-as it was back then-was made.

Sometimes I think it's punishment, sometimes I think it's a blessing in disguise, sometimes I think it's how life is. At all times I'm expected to take it in & accept it as how life is now. But I can't! I still can't get over the trivial nonsense or the ego trips and verbal abuses. It's simply ridiculous what's happening to me, almost laughable, and certainly unbearable.

I know it's useless to bicker & moan about it, but at this point, this is all I can do, and that's how ridiculous this situation is!

Demoralized

I'm completely demoralized and depleted of any hope I ever had. Whatever credibility I had, and whatever self-pride I ever had of myself is now gone. I haven't the strength nor the motivation to produce anything worth noting anymore, not in my life, or my work, or my self. My life is slowly being sucked away with every breath I take. I've come to a point where I'm actually looking forward to ceasing to exist. I'm not who I was, I'm merely a shadow of what I was, and that shadow is slowly dissipating into oblivion.

Towards Self Destruction

I'm slowly losing grips with myself. I find that choices one makes really DO have adverse effects almost immediately. Subtle changes in my moods, habits and communication trends are slowly rising to the surface, so much that now people are openly approaching me and asking if anything's wrong with me.

It happened twice today, and three times over the past few days. Close friends, my own close friends don't know what's happening to me. Of course, my family's chosen to disregard me a long time ago, remeniscent of the 'three monkeys' policy of 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil'. They just won't listen to reason, at least, my reason. I can't blame them, to be honest, what must be done to rectify & ratify my predicament is unwanted, while still common.

I am in a state of total helplessness! I cannot reach out to anybody, or allow anybody to reach out to me. The only 'best' solution is an unwanted solution, with very grave effects and reprecusssions, especially in light of the latest developments, to which I was resisting for a long time until i gave in to their ultimate decision of overcoming me.

Hard to belive, I'm doing all this for the sake of the common good, not my own personal benefit or gain!

I broke down in tears a couple of days ago. A single word, the final straw that broke my back. A single word broke me, flat in the face of the utterer, the one person in this world that was supposed to evoke just the opposite of tears in my life! This is how topsy-turvy my life is nowdays....this is how I live my life nowdays, this is who I am today. I am a broken man. Broken by my own hammer, destroyed by my own selfless need to please others.

I am slowly giving in to my fate, knowing what will happen, in spite of all the early warnings (and they were so so many!). I am slowly being destroyed from within, this is my final breath as 'me', as people once knew me to be. The result of this transformation is one that is both ugly and inevitable, and I haven't the strength to resist it anymore!

I'm a broken man. I cracked a short while back, and these days I've finally given up. I don't know if its a sort of mid-life crisis, or a quarter-life crisis or a short-term crisis, or whatever. I do know this: I was NOT supposed to be like this. It was all supposed to be different. All my plans were supposed to sustain my sanity and assist my creativity. Instead, I've reached a stage where nothing is really worth anything in my life, except the usual responsibilities, to which I uphold for the sake of my reputation, or whatever there is of it that's left.

I have new idols today, new characters which I now consider as 'heroes' after the fact. I once considered them as 'defeated cowards, unable to withstand the pressures of life. But I'm viewing life through a different glass now, i see them for what they are; heroes. They rose to the challenge and they defeated their monsters, and are all paying the price of their happiness and comfort willingly and joyfully. They bled enough for their lifetime, and now they're mending their wounds during the remainder of their lives, and some of them are even creating a new life altogether, while still sustaining their old ones.

It's a matter of perspective after all, and after the fact. Everything dies, and everything happens for a reason. The only constant in this universe is change. Words, utterances of ignorance or blissful revelations. It's all a matter of perspective. Is it the same for feelings and emotions?

I'm a broken man, but now I see how cowards can be heroes. Do I have the power to be one? If so, which one would I be? How would l afford to be it? What would I do? What would it take? Who will hold my hand when I fall? Today, I'm a coward, and I don't have the power to be a hero.

I'm a coward, and this is my perspective.

Unhelpful Explanations

After speaking to an 0ld friend over the phone about the recent escapades of my new life, i decided to email the rest of the story. So i began to write my email, planning in advance to keep it short and to the point. The end product, the 'abridged' version of what goes on with my life nowadays turned out to be an entire page.

It made me think...

I have all the reason NOT to destroy my life and start a new one, one that I can shape and mold to my heart's desire. And after reviewing what i wrote, just before sending it, it hit me! I have all the reason to actually do that very thing that I cannot do. They say that marriage is about compromise and sacrifice, more so than understanding and conforming. In my reality, however, things seem to be one-sided, with the other side exploiting selfishly and ruthlessly the very meaning of 'giving'.

It was like a spark in a dark, wet & humid room when it hit me, but it made me think for a long time afterwards, about choices and decisions that would have been made better, had I had the time and strength to do them right. I was motivated enough, just not brave enough. I suppose that's the price I'm paying these days.

I lost touch with my former social life, engrossing myself instead with this new one, for the sake of peaceful continuity and overall peace of mind, but the price remains and continues to be too high for my nerves to withstand. Daily I get stronger, and with every passing experience I get wiser-in theory at least. How i use this knowledge and experience remains to be seen, and done.

I discovered something new in myself lately, I'm very good at blaming myself even when I don't have to. I had a sheltered childhood, always kept close to my mother. When I had the chance to be alone in the world and shape my adult life during my adolescent and early adulthood years, it was marred with tragedies, shameful mistakes and errors, all part of an accumulated life experience. That was until I met someone who became and, to this day, remains to be my best friend.

This is the same friend I was writing my email to, and was speaking to earlier on the phone. As I was explaining myself, I realized that I wasn't blaming myself well enough for my current state of affairs. "Your life is how YOU want it to be, and how YOU want to shape it!", I was told.

Funny, that was my initial thought when I saw the first hints of trouble, back when I could afford to back out. But now......it's an entirely different state of affairs. I can't back out even if I was given the green light to do so by everyone in my life. I've had time to think about this, and this is what I've discovered;

The Die is Cast, the ship has left the harbor and has sailed into the ocean of the unknown and dangerous, and I cannot steer it, for it has the wind within it's sails, and an ocean full of storms and sunshine, and I have neither a raincoat nor a hat with which to protect myself. I can only smile, in remembrance of things past, in reflection of things that could have been, and in the hopes of things that may be, and in the ultimate fate that is staring at me. I can only smile, because I cannot cry anymore. Who to? My comforters are standing on the pier, waving 'goodbye' at me, mindful of the dangers that await me, but hopeful of the unknown. Still, the birds still fly over my head, singing their songs.

They are my only comfort now, I shall not ignore them.

Revision, Regression & Regret

The other day I received a correspondence from an old friend, apologizing for an old mistake that was done to me. It immediately started a flood of memories & feelings that I thought I'd gotten over. Apparently I hadn't, because I responded & began a conversation with that person. Apparently, due to an unknown reason, this person was apologetic and regretful, and somehow wanted to be re-introduced into my life.

I was harsh in my response, and with good reason. I was dealth with an unjustified and extremely insensitive act of selfishness back then, as punishment for some minor misunderstanding that was completely justified, given my circumstances at the time. Later, when I had the chance to be with myself and-I admit-in a moment of weakness, I replied again, with inquisitive questions, trying to understand why, after all this time, this person decided to contact me, risking the bashing and vengeful feelings that I had harboured, to become unleashed. The response what a request to telephone me with an explanation.

What surprised me even more was my response to that request: No! Deep down, I wanted to talk to that person, deep down I wanted things to return as they were before. But something compelled me to refuse outright! I think I'm playing with fire by merely having this conversation with that person, and I suppose I have enough on my plate already, let alone play with fire.

Someone once told me, "You are what you do". Well, what does that say about me? Am I confused? Conflicted? Certifiable? All those things?

I have a place in my mind for old times, old feelings and endless fantasies that would only become true if hell froze over. Would I insert this person within this area of my mind and continue with my delusions? Is it fate that brought that person back into my life again? Or is it fate's test of my will and steadfastness? Or is it life's irony?

Do I re-live my old ways...I wonder...and risk losing everything in exchange for satisfying my curiosity....or do I risk never knowing what it may feel like....I wonder.

Different similarities

Reflecting on my past, i've come to realize that life isn't always a good thing. You are the choices that you make, and the actions that you take, the end result is almost always incontrollably a causality of these moves.

How is it, when one tries to shape one's life, faith has other plans and intervenes slowly but gradually? Ones needs and wants, passions and desires, dreams and fantasies, all for nothing in one swirl of a pen on a notarized piece of paper, all become history for reflection and 'what-if' scenarios.

I live a double life; One is in conformity with social expectations and the collective well-being of the immediate and extended family, and one is struggling to survive in a small corner of my reality. Both are in plain view of the Almighty, both are being evaluated for the end of times, both satisfy my needs, compliment my desires and implement my plans.

I don't look for sympathy, I know that what i'm doing to myself is both immoral and unjust. But i need this double life to keep my sanity in check. I've come to realize that small bites of pleasure are just as pleasant as extravagant meals of extreme indulgence, and i've resolved to appreciate what chances I get for finding these small bites.

You are my fantasy. You are my desire. You complete me and complement me completness, you bring a smile to my face just by being in my thoughts, you enrage my passions for you with every breath you take. You were, you are, you will always be, because you're the one..

"Love is a tower
Of strength to me
I am the shoreline
But you're the sea"

Repeat guilt

I woke up at EXACTLY 9am today...this, after a small pep talk from my manager about my attendance just yesterday afternoon. In my defence, i have a hard time sleeping, and an even harder time waking up. My better half isn't much of an encouragement either, since she's a slow riser herself, and works in a very lax and easy-going job, supported by the management-who are indifferent to her attending or not, since it doesn't really impact the work anyway!

As for my job, it's the height of my pleasure. I enjoy what I do because it's my field. I find a great deal of satisfaction when I get things done my way within the confines of my work. Unfortunately, i can't share my joy with anyone besides a select few of my friends, not my family or my spouse. With her, I share a good meal, a goos sleep, a few episodes of a sitcom that i've come to enjoy, some fast-food sandwiches, a comedy play on TV or a movie at the theatre, but that's about it. I feel guilty for not attending my work early in the morning sometimes, but not guilty for not finding more common ground with my spouse...does that make me a bad person?

Should I be searching for that commonality that integrates a married couple the way everyone perceives? I tried, God only knows how and to what extent, and there doesn't seem to be any long term effect of worth or value.

If I sound lonely it's because I am, even when I'm living with someone, and still thinking of being with someone else......

Recovery

Towards the end of yesterday afternoon, right after i reached home and almost crashing twice along the way, i had a few bites to eat and collapsed in bed, sleeping for a solid 2 hours before I had to wake up to reality and pursue some social & personal responsibilities.

I went to bed at around 11pm, earlier than usual, still exhausted-physically and mentally-and still yearning for rest. It didnt come immediately, however, as I had to tend to my better half due to her health these days. In short, I was being the caring loving husband everyone expects me to me.

At times I actually do feel the need-and want-to be that caring and loving spouse. At others, I regret ever being in this situation, and in my situation, it's usually the latter case that's more prevalent.

It wasn't a choice I made out of love or desire for anything but my family's happiness. My choice was different; It was based on MY wants and needs, my happiness, my comfort. Thanks' to social expectations and family 'values', if you want to call them that, my choice was forced upon me. I chose wrong, and I'm paying the price for it every day.

I put on a charade every day, with every second I'm with my better half, all for the sake of my family's happiness. Life's biggest adventure, as it's called, is turning out to be life's biggest irony. I've become what I've detested, I'm living what I thought would never be the case, I'm saying what I never thought I'd hear myself say, and I'm doing what I thought I'd never be caught dead doing!

In my most painful, awful and least needed moments in this predicament, I can't help but say to myself that Frost was right;

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Last Gasp of Energy for the Day.

It's 1pm and I'm having my 5th cup of coffee. My eyes are slightly burning and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything that requires more than 1/4 of my brain's processing power. My iPod is jamming out music, and my ashtray has been emptied for the 6th time so far today.

This happens to me every now and then, it's like the return of an old friend, in some warped way! By the time I've returned home, the caffeine would prevent me from actually going to sleep, but i'll still feel tired & unfocused.

On my way to work I almost crashed into the cars in front of me-twice-because I found it hard to read the display on my iPod. I was searching for a particular song that suited my dull, discouraging mood today: "Bladerunner Blues" by Vangelis, the soundtrack from the movie "Bladerunner". Some blogger somewhere quoted the album, and I downloaded it a while back because I enjoyed the movie as well as the leading actor. It's a dark, mysterious theme, contrasting with the movie. And today, it fit my feelings perfectly!

On my way to the office from the parking, I noticed a number of scenes: a number of 20-and 30-somethings driving frantically to work, all made up and prepped, laptops/PDA's in hand and all. I wonder if they all suffered similar dissapointments in life as I did; Do they all keep a straight face-as one should in this society-regardless of life's dissapointing turns? Can they all prevail, as I hope to-over Life's treachery? It was heart warming to see Kuwait's youth eagerly off to work, and equally discomforting to realize that everyone has a secret that's pierced a hole in his or her life, probably one that only they and only one other person know about, just like me. So I'm not an exception.

So why do I feel alone and abandoned?

Ramblings

The reason I'm up (or early) at this hour is because I'm a mild insomniac. Part of the reason is because I tend to stay up late thinking about what I've done in my life. My achievements, my plans, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. My wishes......

I read a few blogs, answered a few emails, lit up a couple of smokes, looked out my home office window, stared at the cloudy early dawn thinking about how dreadful it's going to be at work today without much sleep this past 24 hours, thinking about what to do this week at work.

My better half is fast asleep. She woke up a couple of times from the sounds of my typing. I use my laptop when I'm in bed, thanks to the wonders of WIFI. Both she and I have to go to work in the morning, which should be in a short while.

My Quickening

I found my escape! I can finally tell the world of my endless fears and shameful wants without resorting to prejudice or politeness. Fact is, i have a lot to say, and no one to really say it to, at least, no without understanding.

Today, i begin my virtual journey, my life's enhanced log of troubles and tribulations, recorded for as long as there's the internet, and as long as I'm alive.

I live in Kuwait, but I also live among my thoughts and prayer. There is nothing worse than someone who's trapped in a never-ending life of appearances.

I am a man, with manly needs and wants, delicate to the feelings of others but not my own. I am one, probably of many, but still just one, who wished for something and received something totally different. All for the sake of the 'perceived' future, or what 'should' be, never 'what is'.

This blog shall chronicle my innermost feelings which i cannot otherwise relay, for as long as my anonymity remains constant, and as long as my fear and desperation remain part of my daily life.