Towards Self Destruction

I'm slowly losing grips with myself. I find that choices one makes really DO have adverse effects almost immediately. Subtle changes in my moods, habits and communication trends are slowly rising to the surface, so much that now people are openly approaching me and asking if anything's wrong with me.

It happened twice today, and three times over the past few days. Close friends, my own close friends don't know what's happening to me. Of course, my family's chosen to disregard me a long time ago, remeniscent of the 'three monkeys' policy of 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil'. They just won't listen to reason, at least, my reason. I can't blame them, to be honest, what must be done to rectify & ratify my predicament is unwanted, while still common.

I am in a state of total helplessness! I cannot reach out to anybody, or allow anybody to reach out to me. The only 'best' solution is an unwanted solution, with very grave effects and reprecusssions, especially in light of the latest developments, to which I was resisting for a long time until i gave in to their ultimate decision of overcoming me.

Hard to belive, I'm doing all this for the sake of the common good, not my own personal benefit or gain!

I broke down in tears a couple of days ago. A single word, the final straw that broke my back. A single word broke me, flat in the face of the utterer, the one person in this world that was supposed to evoke just the opposite of tears in my life! This is how topsy-turvy my life is nowdays....this is how I live my life nowdays, this is who I am today. I am a broken man. Broken by my own hammer, destroyed by my own selfless need to please others.

I am slowly giving in to my fate, knowing what will happen, in spite of all the early warnings (and they were so so many!). I am slowly being destroyed from within, this is my final breath as 'me', as people once knew me to be. The result of this transformation is one that is both ugly and inevitable, and I haven't the strength to resist it anymore!

I'm a broken man. I cracked a short while back, and these days I've finally given up. I don't know if its a sort of mid-life crisis, or a quarter-life crisis or a short-term crisis, or whatever. I do know this: I was NOT supposed to be like this. It was all supposed to be different. All my plans were supposed to sustain my sanity and assist my creativity. Instead, I've reached a stage where nothing is really worth anything in my life, except the usual responsibilities, to which I uphold for the sake of my reputation, or whatever there is of it that's left.

I have new idols today, new characters which I now consider as 'heroes' after the fact. I once considered them as 'defeated cowards, unable to withstand the pressures of life. But I'm viewing life through a different glass now, i see them for what they are; heroes. They rose to the challenge and they defeated their monsters, and are all paying the price of their happiness and comfort willingly and joyfully. They bled enough for their lifetime, and now they're mending their wounds during the remainder of their lives, and some of them are even creating a new life altogether, while still sustaining their old ones.

It's a matter of perspective after all, and after the fact. Everything dies, and everything happens for a reason. The only constant in this universe is change. Words, utterances of ignorance or blissful revelations. It's all a matter of perspective. Is it the same for feelings and emotions?

I'm a broken man, but now I see how cowards can be heroes. Do I have the power to be one? If so, which one would I be? How would l afford to be it? What would I do? What would it take? Who will hold my hand when I fall? Today, I'm a coward, and I don't have the power to be a hero.

I'm a coward, and this is my perspective.