Unhelpful Explanations

After speaking to an 0ld friend over the phone about the recent escapades of my new life, i decided to email the rest of the story. So i began to write my email, planning in advance to keep it short and to the point. The end product, the 'abridged' version of what goes on with my life nowadays turned out to be an entire page.

It made me think...

I have all the reason NOT to destroy my life and start a new one, one that I can shape and mold to my heart's desire. And after reviewing what i wrote, just before sending it, it hit me! I have all the reason to actually do that very thing that I cannot do. They say that marriage is about compromise and sacrifice, more so than understanding and conforming. In my reality, however, things seem to be one-sided, with the other side exploiting selfishly and ruthlessly the very meaning of 'giving'.

It was like a spark in a dark, wet & humid room when it hit me, but it made me think for a long time afterwards, about choices and decisions that would have been made better, had I had the time and strength to do them right. I was motivated enough, just not brave enough. I suppose that's the price I'm paying these days.

I lost touch with my former social life, engrossing myself instead with this new one, for the sake of peaceful continuity and overall peace of mind, but the price remains and continues to be too high for my nerves to withstand. Daily I get stronger, and with every passing experience I get wiser-in theory at least. How i use this knowledge and experience remains to be seen, and done.

I discovered something new in myself lately, I'm very good at blaming myself even when I don't have to. I had a sheltered childhood, always kept close to my mother. When I had the chance to be alone in the world and shape my adult life during my adolescent and early adulthood years, it was marred with tragedies, shameful mistakes and errors, all part of an accumulated life experience. That was until I met someone who became and, to this day, remains to be my best friend.

This is the same friend I was writing my email to, and was speaking to earlier on the phone. As I was explaining myself, I realized that I wasn't blaming myself well enough for my current state of affairs. "Your life is how YOU want it to be, and how YOU want to shape it!", I was told.

Funny, that was my initial thought when I saw the first hints of trouble, back when I could afford to back out. But now......it's an entirely different state of affairs. I can't back out even if I was given the green light to do so by everyone in my life. I've had time to think about this, and this is what I've discovered;

The Die is Cast, the ship has left the harbor and has sailed into the ocean of the unknown and dangerous, and I cannot steer it, for it has the wind within it's sails, and an ocean full of storms and sunshine, and I have neither a raincoat nor a hat with which to protect myself. I can only smile, in remembrance of things past, in reflection of things that could have been, and in the hopes of things that may be, and in the ultimate fate that is staring at me. I can only smile, because I cannot cry anymore. Who to? My comforters are standing on the pier, waving 'goodbye' at me, mindful of the dangers that await me, but hopeful of the unknown. Still, the birds still fly over my head, singing their songs.

They are my only comfort now, I shall not ignore them.

Revision, Regression & Regret

The other day I received a correspondence from an old friend, apologizing for an old mistake that was done to me. It immediately started a flood of memories & feelings that I thought I'd gotten over. Apparently I hadn't, because I responded & began a conversation with that person. Apparently, due to an unknown reason, this person was apologetic and regretful, and somehow wanted to be re-introduced into my life.

I was harsh in my response, and with good reason. I was dealth with an unjustified and extremely insensitive act of selfishness back then, as punishment for some minor misunderstanding that was completely justified, given my circumstances at the time. Later, when I had the chance to be with myself and-I admit-in a moment of weakness, I replied again, with inquisitive questions, trying to understand why, after all this time, this person decided to contact me, risking the bashing and vengeful feelings that I had harboured, to become unleashed. The response what a request to telephone me with an explanation.

What surprised me even more was my response to that request: No! Deep down, I wanted to talk to that person, deep down I wanted things to return as they were before. But something compelled me to refuse outright! I think I'm playing with fire by merely having this conversation with that person, and I suppose I have enough on my plate already, let alone play with fire.

Someone once told me, "You are what you do". Well, what does that say about me? Am I confused? Conflicted? Certifiable? All those things?

I have a place in my mind for old times, old feelings and endless fantasies that would only become true if hell froze over. Would I insert this person within this area of my mind and continue with my delusions? Is it fate that brought that person back into my life again? Or is it fate's test of my will and steadfastness? Or is it life's irony?

Do I re-live my old ways...I wonder...and risk losing everything in exchange for satisfying my curiosity....or do I risk never knowing what it may feel like....I wonder.