I woke up at EXACTLY 9am today...this, after a small pep talk from my manager about my attendance just yesterday afternoon. In my defence, i have a hard time sleeping, and an even harder time waking up. My better half isn't much of an encouragement either, since she's a slow riser herself, and works in a very lax and easy-going job, supported by the management-who are indifferent to her attending or not, since it doesn't really impact the work anyway!
As for my job, it's the height of my pleasure. I enjoy what I do because it's my field. I find a great deal of satisfaction when I get things done my way within the confines of my work. Unfortunately, i can't share my joy with anyone besides a select few of my friends, not my family or my spouse. With her, I share a good meal, a goos sleep, a few episodes of a sitcom that i've come to enjoy, some fast-food sandwiches, a comedy play on TV or a movie at the theatre, but that's about it. I feel guilty for not attending my work early in the morning sometimes, but not guilty for not finding more common ground with my spouse...does that make me a bad person?
Should I be searching for that commonality that integrates a married couple the way everyone perceives? I tried, God only knows how and to what extent, and there doesn't seem to be any long term effect of worth or value.
If I sound lonely it's because I am, even when I'm living with someone, and still thinking of being with someone else......
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Recovery
Towards the end of yesterday afternoon, right after i reached home and almost crashing twice along the way, i had a few bites to eat and collapsed in bed, sleeping for a solid 2 hours before I had to wake up to reality and pursue some social & personal responsibilities.
I went to bed at around 11pm, earlier than usual, still exhausted-physically and mentally-and still yearning for rest. It didnt come immediately, however, as I had to tend to my better half due to her health these days. In short, I was being the caring loving husband everyone expects me to me.
At times I actually do feel the need-and want-to be that caring and loving spouse. At others, I regret ever being in this situation, and in my situation, it's usually the latter case that's more prevalent.
It wasn't a choice I made out of love or desire for anything but my family's happiness. My choice was different; It was based on MY wants and needs, my happiness, my comfort. Thanks' to social expectations and family 'values', if you want to call them that, my choice was forced upon me. I chose wrong, and I'm paying the price for it every day.
I put on a charade every day, with every second I'm with my better half, all for the sake of my family's happiness. Life's biggest adventure, as it's called, is turning out to be life's biggest irony. I've become what I've detested, I'm living what I thought would never be the case, I'm saying what I never thought I'd hear myself say, and I'm doing what I thought I'd never be caught dead doing!
In my most painful, awful and least needed moments in this predicament, I can't help but say to myself that Frost was right;
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
I went to bed at around 11pm, earlier than usual, still exhausted-physically and mentally-and still yearning for rest. It didnt come immediately, however, as I had to tend to my better half due to her health these days. In short, I was being the caring loving husband everyone expects me to me.
At times I actually do feel the need-and want-to be that caring and loving spouse. At others, I regret ever being in this situation, and in my situation, it's usually the latter case that's more prevalent.
It wasn't a choice I made out of love or desire for anything but my family's happiness. My choice was different; It was based on MY wants and needs, my happiness, my comfort. Thanks' to social expectations and family 'values', if you want to call them that, my choice was forced upon me. I chose wrong, and I'm paying the price for it every day.
I put on a charade every day, with every second I'm with my better half, all for the sake of my family's happiness. Life's biggest adventure, as it's called, is turning out to be life's biggest irony. I've become what I've detested, I'm living what I thought would never be the case, I'm saying what I never thought I'd hear myself say, and I'm doing what I thought I'd never be caught dead doing!
In my most painful, awful and least needed moments in this predicament, I can't help but say to myself that Frost was right;
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Last Gasp of Energy for the Day.
It's 1pm and I'm having my 5th cup of coffee. My eyes are slightly burning and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything that requires more than 1/4 of my brain's processing power. My iPod is jamming out music, and my ashtray has been emptied for the 6th time so far today.
This happens to me every now and then, it's like the return of an old friend, in some warped way! By the time I've returned home, the caffeine would prevent me from actually going to sleep, but i'll still feel tired & unfocused.
On my way to work I almost crashed into the cars in front of me-twice-because I found it hard to read the display on my iPod. I was searching for a particular song that suited my dull, discouraging mood today: "Bladerunner Blues" by Vangelis, the soundtrack from the movie "Bladerunner". Some blogger somewhere quoted the album, and I downloaded it a while back because I enjoyed the movie as well as the leading actor. It's a dark, mysterious theme, contrasting with the movie. And today, it fit my feelings perfectly!
On my way to the office from the parking, I noticed a number of scenes: a number of 20-and 30-somethings driving frantically to work, all made up and prepped, laptops/PDA's in hand and all. I wonder if they all suffered similar dissapointments in life as I did; Do they all keep a straight face-as one should in this society-regardless of life's dissapointing turns? Can they all prevail, as I hope to-over Life's treachery? It was heart warming to see Kuwait's youth eagerly off to work, and equally discomforting to realize that everyone has a secret that's pierced a hole in his or her life, probably one that only they and only one other person know about, just like me. So I'm not an exception.
So why do I feel alone and abandoned?
This happens to me every now and then, it's like the return of an old friend, in some warped way! By the time I've returned home, the caffeine would prevent me from actually going to sleep, but i'll still feel tired & unfocused.
On my way to work I almost crashed into the cars in front of me-twice-because I found it hard to read the display on my iPod. I was searching for a particular song that suited my dull, discouraging mood today: "Bladerunner Blues" by Vangelis, the soundtrack from the movie "Bladerunner". Some blogger somewhere quoted the album, and I downloaded it a while back because I enjoyed the movie as well as the leading actor. It's a dark, mysterious theme, contrasting with the movie. And today, it fit my feelings perfectly!
On my way to the office from the parking, I noticed a number of scenes: a number of 20-and 30-somethings driving frantically to work, all made up and prepped, laptops/PDA's in hand and all. I wonder if they all suffered similar dissapointments in life as I did; Do they all keep a straight face-as one should in this society-regardless of life's dissapointing turns? Can they all prevail, as I hope to-over Life's treachery? It was heart warming to see Kuwait's youth eagerly off to work, and equally discomforting to realize that everyone has a secret that's pierced a hole in his or her life, probably one that only they and only one other person know about, just like me. So I'm not an exception.
So why do I feel alone and abandoned?
Ramblings
The reason I'm up (or early) at this hour is because I'm a mild insomniac. Part of the reason is because I tend to stay up late thinking about what I've done in my life. My achievements, my plans, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. My wishes......
I read a few blogs, answered a few emails, lit up a couple of smokes, looked out my home office window, stared at the cloudy early dawn thinking about how dreadful it's going to be at work today without much sleep this past 24 hours, thinking about what to do this week at work.
My better half is fast asleep. She woke up a couple of times from the sounds of my typing. I use my laptop when I'm in bed, thanks to the wonders of WIFI. Both she and I have to go to work in the morning, which should be in a short while.
I read a few blogs, answered a few emails, lit up a couple of smokes, looked out my home office window, stared at the cloudy early dawn thinking about how dreadful it's going to be at work today without much sleep this past 24 hours, thinking about what to do this week at work.
My better half is fast asleep. She woke up a couple of times from the sounds of my typing. I use my laptop when I'm in bed, thanks to the wonders of WIFI. Both she and I have to go to work in the morning, which should be in a short while.
My Quickening
I found my escape! I can finally tell the world of my endless fears and shameful wants without resorting to prejudice or politeness. Fact is, i have a lot to say, and no one to really say it to, at least, no without understanding.
Today, i begin my virtual journey, my life's enhanced log of troubles and tribulations, recorded for as long as there's the internet, and as long as I'm alive.
I live in Kuwait, but I also live among my thoughts and prayer. There is nothing worse than someone who's trapped in a never-ending life of appearances.
I am a man, with manly needs and wants, delicate to the feelings of others but not my own. I am one, probably of many, but still just one, who wished for something and received something totally different. All for the sake of the 'perceived' future, or what 'should' be, never 'what is'.
This blog shall chronicle my innermost feelings which i cannot otherwise relay, for as long as my anonymity remains constant, and as long as my fear and desperation remain part of my daily life.
Today, i begin my virtual journey, my life's enhanced log of troubles and tribulations, recorded for as long as there's the internet, and as long as I'm alive.
I live in Kuwait, but I also live among my thoughts and prayer. There is nothing worse than someone who's trapped in a never-ending life of appearances.
I am a man, with manly needs and wants, delicate to the feelings of others but not my own. I am one, probably of many, but still just one, who wished for something and received something totally different. All for the sake of the 'perceived' future, or what 'should' be, never 'what is'.
This blog shall chronicle my innermost feelings which i cannot otherwise relay, for as long as my anonymity remains constant, and as long as my fear and desperation remain part of my daily life.
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