After a 2-year long hiatus, partly deliberate, partly natural, i've come to realize something that's as elusive as it is obvious; Patience and Time are both secret ingredients to life's distasteful culinary servings.
I remember a time when i was in complete bliss, full of content and ever-lasting lust for life, too engrossed in my bliss to think about what consequences may present themselves should this bliss become interrupted.
And it did...
I remember a time when i was completely broken, others when i was completely in control. An everlasting conflict between need and have. Nowadays, it's a blend of both, wrapped in a consciousness that is mindful of a new future, and me within it, determined to succeed, despite the many problems and issues.
And i am...
At times I thought that my life was a dark hole, while at others i thought of it as not being so at all, but rather a dark cave, and i'm walking through it towards a slight glimmer of light that's supposedly at the end, aided by some tools to light my path, like logic, common sense, and a lot of patience!
A lot of patience....that's the key.
A tornado may pass, destroying everything in it's way, uprooting every seed you've planted, nurtured and watered with your sweat and tears. Once it's gone, what remains is the earth, and your determination to start seeding it all over again. Eventually, that seed will grow into an Oak tree, and though it's leaves may be torn off and blown away with all the tornado's might and anger, it's branches will remain standing, it's roots will remain firmly grown into the ground, and spring will always come back.
Such is Life....
It's not a dark hole, nor a dark cave, remove all it's superficiality, all it's pains and anguish, all it's nonsense and all it's extra weight, and you'll realize that Life is simply a long journey through an ocean of storms, on a boat of perseverance, filled and accumulated along with way with achievement and betterments, with patience for guidance and logic for a compass. At the end of the journey, where the shores of rest awaits, peace can be found, solitude in the fact that i would have completed my journey with success, and that it will make me better and stronger.
On occasion, thus far into my journey, i find myself reflecting back to my previous musings of anguish and disgust at what choices i made for myself. The feelings are still there, the emotions are still there. "You see", memories tell me, "The sacrifice was too great, so the loss was too much". True. and the guilt is still there.
It's all there....
There was a time, once, where i was whole, complete and content. I tore myself apart from my other self for the sake of others. For i had known bliss in it's spiritual sense, and at times, i took it for granted in utter waste. It was only when i tore myself apart from it-with my own hands-had i realized just how blissful my state of mind was. I sometimes uttered it's name, making sure that i alone would hear it, just so i can remind myself that i lived those days, being so far away behind me. Once i hear it's name, the flood of memories overwhelm me with their pain.
All of them...
Like an addict in withdrawal, i still yearn for those blissful days to this very second. I do miss, i do yearn, i do hate, i still compare, i still replace the lost with the remnants-none of them half as satisfying, not even close! Yet, i still remember and deep inside i'm still sad. Yet i still smile when i remember, i still hurt when i think, i still compare, i still wish, i still hope.
But now i'm on my way to new lands, secured with my newfound perseverance and my rising tolerance and patience, mindful of the fruits of my efforts and the gifts of life. The tornadoes still frequent my boat, superficiality still reigns free, senselessness and illogic can still be found, occupational hazards still regroup and threaten my livelihood, but i've grown slightly more accustomed to it all, and as a result, more prone to stay on my path. I still hurt, but i suppose, until the storm settles, this is how i get better....
Yet, i still wonder....i still do!
