It's a new year, but with the same issues and dilemmas. I remain unable to reach into the depths and extract clarity, no matter how much the sincerity. Optimism and hope have all but run out, and what remains is the shadow of my former self.
With increased responsibilities, life is becoming less of a joy and more of a burden. Many times have I contemplated escape, how it would be to run away into the crowd of humanity on this earth, only to be heard of in memory, and even then, in shameful silence. It would be a shame that I would bring onto my self and that of my own had I embarked on such a foolish journey. But as always, I decline to pursue the endeavor, fearing their well-being. Always them, never me.
No, that aspect of my life has been removed completely, to the point where I am thankful to have a few hours of the day to myself, and search for them with every chance I get. Often, I spend them privately wit myself, enjoying the feeling of freedom while it lasted, dreading it's end, sometimes hoping it would never end, but it always does.
With the advent of a new year, and a new weight on my shoulders, I have detached myself from myself in order to remain sane and competent in my new life. It's not so much a defeat as it is a confirmation of defeat; The eventual acceptance of fate, and of it's consequences.
It was dawn when I remembered my blog, I smiled quietly on my way to work, thinking of the comments that were posted for my behalf, when it struck me flat: Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am! This sudden realization led me to consider the implications: It made me feel better, knowing that there are people out there that understand what I go through, it made me feel more sane than ever before.
However, while the truth does set you free, freedom never comes without a price. So, as usual, I decline to reveal the truth to those that deserve it, hoping, instead for maturity and age to bring about the understanding and acceptance.
I still dream of what would have been, had I not climbed this boat....the sweetness of it all, the tenderness of the moments, the joy of shared dreams and hopes, the magic moments of solitude among the wilderness of life. Memories come flooding back to my mind with a rush that's so powerful it forces me sometimes to get up at 4am and yearn for a quiet kiss of the nicotine stick, musing at the irony of it all:
Dreaming for one life while slowly destroying the seemingly pleasant one on hand......ironic, sad..but true....
With increased responsibilities, life is becoming less of a joy and more of a burden. Many times have I contemplated escape, how it would be to run away into the crowd of humanity on this earth, only to be heard of in memory, and even then, in shameful silence. It would be a shame that I would bring onto my self and that of my own had I embarked on such a foolish journey. But as always, I decline to pursue the endeavor, fearing their well-being. Always them, never me.
No, that aspect of my life has been removed completely, to the point where I am thankful to have a few hours of the day to myself, and search for them with every chance I get. Often, I spend them privately wit myself, enjoying the feeling of freedom while it lasted, dreading it's end, sometimes hoping it would never end, but it always does.
With the advent of a new year, and a new weight on my shoulders, I have detached myself from myself in order to remain sane and competent in my new life. It's not so much a defeat as it is a confirmation of defeat; The eventual acceptance of fate, and of it's consequences.
It was dawn when I remembered my blog, I smiled quietly on my way to work, thinking of the comments that were posted for my behalf, when it struck me flat: Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am! This sudden realization led me to consider the implications: It made me feel better, knowing that there are people out there that understand what I go through, it made me feel more sane than ever before.
However, while the truth does set you free, freedom never comes without a price. So, as usual, I decline to reveal the truth to those that deserve it, hoping, instead for maturity and age to bring about the understanding and acceptance.
I still dream of what would have been, had I not climbed this boat....the sweetness of it all, the tenderness of the moments, the joy of shared dreams and hopes, the magic moments of solitude among the wilderness of life. Memories come flooding back to my mind with a rush that's so powerful it forces me sometimes to get up at 4am and yearn for a quiet kiss of the nicotine stick, musing at the irony of it all:
Dreaming for one life while slowly destroying the seemingly pleasant one on hand......ironic, sad..but true....
