It's a new year, but with the same issues and dilemmas. I remain unable to reach into the depths and extract clarity, no matter how much the sincerity. Optimism and hope have all but run out, and what remains is the shadow of my former self.
With increased responsibilities, life is becoming less of a joy and more of a burden. Many times have I contemplated escape, how it would be to run away into the crowd of humanity on this earth, only to be heard of in memory, and even then, in shameful silence. It would be a shame that I would bring onto my self and that of my own had I embarked on such a foolish journey. But as always, I decline to pursue the endeavor, fearing their well-being. Always them, never me.
No, that aspect of my life has been removed completely, to the point where I am thankful to have a few hours of the day to myself, and search for them with every chance I get. Often, I spend them privately wit myself, enjoying the feeling of freedom while it lasted, dreading it's end, sometimes hoping it would never end, but it always does.
With the advent of a new year, and a new weight on my shoulders, I have detached myself from myself in order to remain sane and competent in my new life. It's not so much a defeat as it is a confirmation of defeat; The eventual acceptance of fate, and of it's consequences.
It was dawn when I remembered my blog, I smiled quietly on my way to work, thinking of the comments that were posted for my behalf, when it struck me flat: Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am! This sudden realization led me to consider the implications: It made me feel better, knowing that there are people out there that understand what I go through, it made me feel more sane than ever before.
However, while the truth does set you free, freedom never comes without a price. So, as usual, I decline to reveal the truth to those that deserve it, hoping, instead for maturity and age to bring about the understanding and acceptance.
I still dream of what would have been, had I not climbed this boat....the sweetness of it all, the tenderness of the moments, the joy of shared dreams and hopes, the magic moments of solitude among the wilderness of life. Memories come flooding back to my mind with a rush that's so powerful it forces me sometimes to get up at 4am and yearn for a quiet kiss of the nicotine stick, musing at the irony of it all:
Dreaming for one life while slowly destroying the seemingly pleasant one on hand......ironic, sad..but true....
With increased responsibilities, life is becoming less of a joy and more of a burden. Many times have I contemplated escape, how it would be to run away into the crowd of humanity on this earth, only to be heard of in memory, and even then, in shameful silence. It would be a shame that I would bring onto my self and that of my own had I embarked on such a foolish journey. But as always, I decline to pursue the endeavor, fearing their well-being. Always them, never me.
No, that aspect of my life has been removed completely, to the point where I am thankful to have a few hours of the day to myself, and search for them with every chance I get. Often, I spend them privately wit myself, enjoying the feeling of freedom while it lasted, dreading it's end, sometimes hoping it would never end, but it always does.
With the advent of a new year, and a new weight on my shoulders, I have detached myself from myself in order to remain sane and competent in my new life. It's not so much a defeat as it is a confirmation of defeat; The eventual acceptance of fate, and of it's consequences.
It was dawn when I remembered my blog, I smiled quietly on my way to work, thinking of the comments that were posted for my behalf, when it struck me flat: Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am! This sudden realization led me to consider the implications: It made me feel better, knowing that there are people out there that understand what I go through, it made me feel more sane than ever before.
However, while the truth does set you free, freedom never comes without a price. So, as usual, I decline to reveal the truth to those that deserve it, hoping, instead for maturity and age to bring about the understanding and acceptance.
I still dream of what would have been, had I not climbed this boat....the sweetness of it all, the tenderness of the moments, the joy of shared dreams and hopes, the magic moments of solitude among the wilderness of life. Memories come flooding back to my mind with a rush that's so powerful it forces me sometimes to get up at 4am and yearn for a quiet kiss of the nicotine stick, musing at the irony of it all:
Dreaming for one life while slowly destroying the seemingly pleasant one on hand......ironic, sad..but true....
3 comments:
It's great to have you back :)
I thought you had found your peace and had reached your serenity. And as much I liked your posts, I had to smile to the idea that you're on shore now.
I feel you. Dwelling on what could've been can be an addiction and an obsession which might ironically make sense on the nonsense.
You've made your conscious decision to torment yourself with what used to be, to find a resemblance of joy in your pain. That you'd rather live duplicate lives maintaining your sanity to let go of memories which shape your life as you see it or wish to see it.
Finding the relief in attaching to agony might help you to put an end to it when you decide that it's time that you should let go, but I fear that you might to consume every single heart beat and keep leaking your emotions till you are totally drained and solidify your heart to the limit that can't even feel what used to heart warming.
Grieving might be good to you.
P.S.
Strangers are strangers by names only.
ur blog is deep.. i can feel the emotions underlying ur text.. some of ur posts, if not all of them, have reminded me of myself so very much.
"Strangers know me more intimately than those that actually know who I am" <-- this struck me the most only cuz its so true.
wow! your blogs touch a chord, in i would think almost all who read them. You write beautifully, its like watching a movie unfold itself, can almost picture you in the shadows, holding your 'nicotine coated stick', looking at the vacant distance.
me for one, is totally zapped that there are people out there in kuwait who have such thought processes! no hard feelings.
Post a Comment