Unhelpful Explanations

After speaking to an 0ld friend over the phone about the recent escapades of my new life, i decided to email the rest of the story. So i began to write my email, planning in advance to keep it short and to the point. The end product, the 'abridged' version of what goes on with my life nowadays turned out to be an entire page.

It made me think...

I have all the reason NOT to destroy my life and start a new one, one that I can shape and mold to my heart's desire. And after reviewing what i wrote, just before sending it, it hit me! I have all the reason to actually do that very thing that I cannot do. They say that marriage is about compromise and sacrifice, more so than understanding and conforming. In my reality, however, things seem to be one-sided, with the other side exploiting selfishly and ruthlessly the very meaning of 'giving'.

It was like a spark in a dark, wet & humid room when it hit me, but it made me think for a long time afterwards, about choices and decisions that would have been made better, had I had the time and strength to do them right. I was motivated enough, just not brave enough. I suppose that's the price I'm paying these days.

I lost touch with my former social life, engrossing myself instead with this new one, for the sake of peaceful continuity and overall peace of mind, but the price remains and continues to be too high for my nerves to withstand. Daily I get stronger, and with every passing experience I get wiser-in theory at least. How i use this knowledge and experience remains to be seen, and done.

I discovered something new in myself lately, I'm very good at blaming myself even when I don't have to. I had a sheltered childhood, always kept close to my mother. When I had the chance to be alone in the world and shape my adult life during my adolescent and early adulthood years, it was marred with tragedies, shameful mistakes and errors, all part of an accumulated life experience. That was until I met someone who became and, to this day, remains to be my best friend.

This is the same friend I was writing my email to, and was speaking to earlier on the phone. As I was explaining myself, I realized that I wasn't blaming myself well enough for my current state of affairs. "Your life is how YOU want it to be, and how YOU want to shape it!", I was told.

Funny, that was my initial thought when I saw the first hints of trouble, back when I could afford to back out. But now......it's an entirely different state of affairs. I can't back out even if I was given the green light to do so by everyone in my life. I've had time to think about this, and this is what I've discovered;

The Die is Cast, the ship has left the harbor and has sailed into the ocean of the unknown and dangerous, and I cannot steer it, for it has the wind within it's sails, and an ocean full of storms and sunshine, and I have neither a raincoat nor a hat with which to protect myself. I can only smile, in remembrance of things past, in reflection of things that could have been, and in the hopes of things that may be, and in the ultimate fate that is staring at me. I can only smile, because I cannot cry anymore. Who to? My comforters are standing on the pier, waving 'goodbye' at me, mindful of the dangers that await me, but hopeful of the unknown. Still, the birds still fly over my head, singing their songs.

They are my only comfort now, I shall not ignore them.

Revision, Regression & Regret

The other day I received a correspondence from an old friend, apologizing for an old mistake that was done to me. It immediately started a flood of memories & feelings that I thought I'd gotten over. Apparently I hadn't, because I responded & began a conversation with that person. Apparently, due to an unknown reason, this person was apologetic and regretful, and somehow wanted to be re-introduced into my life.

I was harsh in my response, and with good reason. I was dealth with an unjustified and extremely insensitive act of selfishness back then, as punishment for some minor misunderstanding that was completely justified, given my circumstances at the time. Later, when I had the chance to be with myself and-I admit-in a moment of weakness, I replied again, with inquisitive questions, trying to understand why, after all this time, this person decided to contact me, risking the bashing and vengeful feelings that I had harboured, to become unleashed. The response what a request to telephone me with an explanation.

What surprised me even more was my response to that request: No! Deep down, I wanted to talk to that person, deep down I wanted things to return as they were before. But something compelled me to refuse outright! I think I'm playing with fire by merely having this conversation with that person, and I suppose I have enough on my plate already, let alone play with fire.

Someone once told me, "You are what you do". Well, what does that say about me? Am I confused? Conflicted? Certifiable? All those things?

I have a place in my mind for old times, old feelings and endless fantasies that would only become true if hell froze over. Would I insert this person within this area of my mind and continue with my delusions? Is it fate that brought that person back into my life again? Or is it fate's test of my will and steadfastness? Or is it life's irony?

Do I re-live my old ways...I wonder...and risk losing everything in exchange for satisfying my curiosity....or do I risk never knowing what it may feel like....I wonder.

Different similarities

Reflecting on my past, i've come to realize that life isn't always a good thing. You are the choices that you make, and the actions that you take, the end result is almost always incontrollably a causality of these moves.

How is it, when one tries to shape one's life, faith has other plans and intervenes slowly but gradually? Ones needs and wants, passions and desires, dreams and fantasies, all for nothing in one swirl of a pen on a notarized piece of paper, all become history for reflection and 'what-if' scenarios.

I live a double life; One is in conformity with social expectations and the collective well-being of the immediate and extended family, and one is struggling to survive in a small corner of my reality. Both are in plain view of the Almighty, both are being evaluated for the end of times, both satisfy my needs, compliment my desires and implement my plans.

I don't look for sympathy, I know that what i'm doing to myself is both immoral and unjust. But i need this double life to keep my sanity in check. I've come to realize that small bites of pleasure are just as pleasant as extravagant meals of extreme indulgence, and i've resolved to appreciate what chances I get for finding these small bites.

You are my fantasy. You are my desire. You complete me and complement me completness, you bring a smile to my face just by being in my thoughts, you enrage my passions for you with every breath you take. You were, you are, you will always be, because you're the one..

"Love is a tower
Of strength to me
I am the shoreline
But you're the sea"

Repeat guilt

I woke up at EXACTLY 9am today...this, after a small pep talk from my manager about my attendance just yesterday afternoon. In my defence, i have a hard time sleeping, and an even harder time waking up. My better half isn't much of an encouragement either, since she's a slow riser herself, and works in a very lax and easy-going job, supported by the management-who are indifferent to her attending or not, since it doesn't really impact the work anyway!

As for my job, it's the height of my pleasure. I enjoy what I do because it's my field. I find a great deal of satisfaction when I get things done my way within the confines of my work. Unfortunately, i can't share my joy with anyone besides a select few of my friends, not my family or my spouse. With her, I share a good meal, a goos sleep, a few episodes of a sitcom that i've come to enjoy, some fast-food sandwiches, a comedy play on TV or a movie at the theatre, but that's about it. I feel guilty for not attending my work early in the morning sometimes, but not guilty for not finding more common ground with my spouse...does that make me a bad person?

Should I be searching for that commonality that integrates a married couple the way everyone perceives? I tried, God only knows how and to what extent, and there doesn't seem to be any long term effect of worth or value.

If I sound lonely it's because I am, even when I'm living with someone, and still thinking of being with someone else......

Recovery

Towards the end of yesterday afternoon, right after i reached home and almost crashing twice along the way, i had a few bites to eat and collapsed in bed, sleeping for a solid 2 hours before I had to wake up to reality and pursue some social & personal responsibilities.

I went to bed at around 11pm, earlier than usual, still exhausted-physically and mentally-and still yearning for rest. It didnt come immediately, however, as I had to tend to my better half due to her health these days. In short, I was being the caring loving husband everyone expects me to me.

At times I actually do feel the need-and want-to be that caring and loving spouse. At others, I regret ever being in this situation, and in my situation, it's usually the latter case that's more prevalent.

It wasn't a choice I made out of love or desire for anything but my family's happiness. My choice was different; It was based on MY wants and needs, my happiness, my comfort. Thanks' to social expectations and family 'values', if you want to call them that, my choice was forced upon me. I chose wrong, and I'm paying the price for it every day.

I put on a charade every day, with every second I'm with my better half, all for the sake of my family's happiness. Life's biggest adventure, as it's called, is turning out to be life's biggest irony. I've become what I've detested, I'm living what I thought would never be the case, I'm saying what I never thought I'd hear myself say, and I'm doing what I thought I'd never be caught dead doing!

In my most painful, awful and least needed moments in this predicament, I can't help but say to myself that Frost was right;

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Last Gasp of Energy for the Day.

It's 1pm and I'm having my 5th cup of coffee. My eyes are slightly burning and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything that requires more than 1/4 of my brain's processing power. My iPod is jamming out music, and my ashtray has been emptied for the 6th time so far today.

This happens to me every now and then, it's like the return of an old friend, in some warped way! By the time I've returned home, the caffeine would prevent me from actually going to sleep, but i'll still feel tired & unfocused.

On my way to work I almost crashed into the cars in front of me-twice-because I found it hard to read the display on my iPod. I was searching for a particular song that suited my dull, discouraging mood today: "Bladerunner Blues" by Vangelis, the soundtrack from the movie "Bladerunner". Some blogger somewhere quoted the album, and I downloaded it a while back because I enjoyed the movie as well as the leading actor. It's a dark, mysterious theme, contrasting with the movie. And today, it fit my feelings perfectly!

On my way to the office from the parking, I noticed a number of scenes: a number of 20-and 30-somethings driving frantically to work, all made up and prepped, laptops/PDA's in hand and all. I wonder if they all suffered similar dissapointments in life as I did; Do they all keep a straight face-as one should in this society-regardless of life's dissapointing turns? Can they all prevail, as I hope to-over Life's treachery? It was heart warming to see Kuwait's youth eagerly off to work, and equally discomforting to realize that everyone has a secret that's pierced a hole in his or her life, probably one that only they and only one other person know about, just like me. So I'm not an exception.

So why do I feel alone and abandoned?

Ramblings

The reason I'm up (or early) at this hour is because I'm a mild insomniac. Part of the reason is because I tend to stay up late thinking about what I've done in my life. My achievements, my plans, my hopes, my dreams, my wishes. My wishes......

I read a few blogs, answered a few emails, lit up a couple of smokes, looked out my home office window, stared at the cloudy early dawn thinking about how dreadful it's going to be at work today without much sleep this past 24 hours, thinking about what to do this week at work.

My better half is fast asleep. She woke up a couple of times from the sounds of my typing. I use my laptop when I'm in bed, thanks to the wonders of WIFI. Both she and I have to go to work in the morning, which should be in a short while.

My Quickening

I found my escape! I can finally tell the world of my endless fears and shameful wants without resorting to prejudice or politeness. Fact is, i have a lot to say, and no one to really say it to, at least, no without understanding.

Today, i begin my virtual journey, my life's enhanced log of troubles and tribulations, recorded for as long as there's the internet, and as long as I'm alive.

I live in Kuwait, but I also live among my thoughts and prayer. There is nothing worse than someone who's trapped in a never-ending life of appearances.

I am a man, with manly needs and wants, delicate to the feelings of others but not my own. I am one, probably of many, but still just one, who wished for something and received something totally different. All for the sake of the 'perceived' future, or what 'should' be, never 'what is'.

This blog shall chronicle my innermost feelings which i cannot otherwise relay, for as long as my anonymity remains constant, and as long as my fear and desperation remain part of my daily life.