The other day I received a correspondence from an old friend, apologizing for an old mistake that was done to me. It immediately started a flood of memories & feelings that I thought I'd gotten over. Apparently I hadn't, because I responded & began a conversation with that person. Apparently, due to an unknown reason, this person was apologetic and regretful, and somehow wanted to be re-introduced into my life.
I was harsh in my response, and with good reason. I was dealth with an unjustified and extremely insensitive act of selfishness back then, as punishment for some minor misunderstanding that was completely justified, given my circumstances at the time. Later, when I had the chance to be with myself and-I admit-in a moment of weakness, I replied again, with inquisitive questions, trying to understand why, after all this time, this person decided to contact me, risking the bashing and vengeful feelings that I had harboured, to become unleashed. The response what a request to telephone me with an explanation.
What surprised me even more was my response to that request: No! Deep down, I wanted to talk to that person, deep down I wanted things to return as they were before. But something compelled me to refuse outright! I think I'm playing with fire by merely having this conversation with that person, and I suppose I have enough on my plate already, let alone play with fire.
Someone once told me, "You are what you do". Well, what does that say about me? Am I confused? Conflicted? Certifiable? All those things?
I have a place in my mind for old times, old feelings and endless fantasies that would only become true if hell froze over. Would I insert this person within this area of my mind and continue with my delusions? Is it fate that brought that person back into my life again? Or is it fate's test of my will and steadfastness? Or is it life's irony?
Do I re-live my old ways...I wonder...and risk losing everything in exchange for satisfying my curiosity....or do I risk never knowing what it may feel like....I wonder.
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